The One Thing I Stopped Doing as a Stepmom That Changed EVERYTHING
Updated: Feb 25
The stepmom journey is nothing if not unpredictable.
Just when you think you’ve finally mastered a decent amount of challenges as a stepmom, a new and unexpected challenge pops right out at you.
Just as you feel your feet are finally on a level surface as a stepmom, the ground disintegrates under you.
And there you are, hanging from a newly formed cliff, clutching on to your sanity.
With the constant changes and frequent switches in routines, moods, and family dynamics, learning how to function productively within a blended family environment can be a daily — even hourly — struggle for many stepmoms.
But there’s something I’ve begun to practice during these tough times — something I actively had to stop doing in order to not only be more productive as a person, partner, and (step)parent but also to take it easy on my blood pressure!
I had to stop being so toxic.
This is not to say that I have been behaving horribly towards anyone or shouting insults at people in my life which is how many of us usually define a ‘toxic person.’
While I have no doubt there have been times where I could have behaved better or could have engaged in less negativity, I’m mostly talking about how I’m treating myself now as compared to before.
The toxic way in which I was treating my own psyche had to stop.
Worrying about things I can’t control. The constant need for approval. The stress over what someone might do or say. The often angry and negative narratives running through my mind had to stop.
Not only were toxic thoughts damaging my mental, emotional and physical state, but they were also damaging the energy I was bringing into my marriage and into my (step)parenting.
I’ve had to practice shoving those spiteful, counterproductive thoughts aside in order to replace them with thinking about actionable things that are useful to me. Things I’m going to do to bring myself joy or improve my mood instead of thinking about things I’m afraid of or that upset me.
There are moments where having ‘positive thoughts' seems utterly unattainable. But in those bitter moments, I try to focus on what I’m looking forward to and what I’ve managed to accomplish so far and that makes me feel strong and proud.
Letting a dark, depressing and ultimately toxic narrative run on a loop inside my brain gets me nowhere. Those thoughts won't change anything or fix my problems.
I’m learning to give those inevitable toxic thoughts a tinier and tinier amount of space in my mind and then I banish them.
But it is HARD.
Giving in to negative moods can be addictive. I often don’t want to let go of resentment or anger. Sometimes I want to hang on to that darkness as we all do. Wallowing in self-pity is normal and it is human.
But feeding on whatever drama the day brings and chewing on it longer than is necessary will not help anyone, especially myself.
Practicing gratitude and cutting myself some much needed slack as a stepmom makes a huge difference within my marriage and my family.
And it DOES take practice. It won’t happen overnight. You really need to work at it.
Choosing to separate myself from toxic thoughts and drama by switching up my focus has changed everything.
I’ve learned that as easy as it can be to succumb to feelings of rage, sadness, or hopelessness, learning and practicing how to dig myself out of that mindset while moving on to better, more productive goals can be so much more rewarding.
More from Michelle: I Don’t Get That ‘Mom Credit’ — And it’s OK