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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Zunter

Are We Programmed To Believe That Sex Gets Worse When We’re Married?

No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, as the saying goes. This expression could not be more accurate — especially when we’re talking about the sex lives of couples who are married versus the sex lives of couples who aren’t married.

Argue if you like, but I would say that the perception people have of the sex lives of couples who are dating and/or in a relationship is vastly different than their perception of what happens in a married couple’s bedroom.

Generally speaking, I think many of us are somehow programmed to think that couples who aren’t married have a much more invigorating sex life than those who are married — including more adventurous sex such as role-playing, spanking, or anal sex — just to name a few.

Perhaps it has something to do with the idea that those couples who are married have presumably been together much longer than other couples and must have lost all the spice in their sex lives.

Not so, and definitively presumptuous indeed.

The institution of marriage itself doesn’t necessarily impact a couple’s sex life or their desire to keep the sexual chemistry alive.

You could be in a long-term relationship, never get married, and still have a dull sex life. You could also be in a long-term relationship and have an incredible sex life. The same goes for being married. Just because you marry someone it doesn’t automatically disqualify you from having an active, fulfilling sex life.

The moment you say your vows your libido doesn’t just get up and walk away — or does it? Perhaps some people do have a mental block when it comes to mixing the concept of marriage and an active sex life together.

However, I think it’s more about the ideas we have in our heads about sex and marriage. The thoughts and opinions are ingrained into us as children and young adults.

Growing up, you may have heard jokes on TV sitcoms or late-night talk shows referring to sex being non-existent in a marriage — which adults seemed to acknowledge by their laughter so it’s understandable why many of us might have been influenced by that kind of culture.

Additionally, some people do still have a notion in their heads from the way they were raised or through their religious beliefs that having a lively, exploratory sex life and the institution of marriage simply DO NOT mix.

There are plenty of married people who feel ‘taboo’ or ‘kinky’ sex does not have a place in the marriage bed.

Marriage has become an institution that older generations used to idolize and aspire to, while many members of modern generations have rejected marriage completely as a ‘life goal’.

Marriage certainly doesn’t guarantee happiness within a relationship — yet many people still do aim to reach that marriage target for their own various reasons. Other people spend their whole lives railing against the idea of marrying anyone because they think it’s a silly and outdated institution.

To each their own.

Either way, marriage is not the evil villain hell-bent on destroying sex lives in this story — in my opinion.

If anything is going to affect the virility of a couple’s sex life — it certainly isn’t the act of getting married.

The culprits are actually the people involved in the relationship.

Whatever emotional, mental, physical, and sexual baggage a person carries into their relationship with someone else, that ultimately affects their sex life — both the quantity and the quality of it.

As generations evolve and ideas about how we used to do things — including romantic relationships — change, it’s not hard to imagine a world where the idea of marriage doesn’t always mean the death of sex and whether a couple chooses to get married or not — that their own sexual destiny together is entirely up to them.

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