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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Zunter

I Had To Accept That I Married A Man Just Like My Ex-Husband

I have always been intrigued as to why some of us (including me) choose the same people over and over again in love — even when we try unbelievably hard not to.

Maybe we tend to choose lovers who are tall or muscular.

Maybe we like to select lovers who have a certain shade of hair or eye color.

Maybe there’s a certain something about a new lover that might remind us of a lover who’s no longer around anymore.

The nostalgic magic of falling in love can be clever — and deceptive.

Are we really falling in love with the person we think we are or are we falling for attributes that remind us of a lover we haven’t gotten over yet?

Though I’ve always suspected I might have a certain ‘type’ I didn’t quite realize until recently exactly how strikingly similar my current husband is to my ex-husband.

Both my ex-husband and my current husband are two of the longest relationships I’ve had in my life so those two men do carry a significant amount of influence.

I mean, they’re not the same people, of course.


They are of completely different ages and from completely different backgrounds. They are both made of much different stuff indeed.

My ex-husband was physically tough but lacked mental consistency and emotional maturity. My current husband is just as physically tough but has a generosity and emotional intelligence that outshines my ex-husband on many levels.

There are differences in temperament. My ex-husband was short-tempered and highly prone to violence while my current husband has enough patience to fill both of their cups and isn’t violent at all.

Enough said. There are contrasts between these two men that are significant. However, I came to realize that there are more similarities between these two men than there are differences.

The moment I realized exactly how alike my ex-husband and current husband are I felt extremely uncomfortable.

I realized that they both have very gregarious personalities and loud, deep, booming voices. Neither of them could keep quiet even if they wanted to. Both of them are great at attracting attention. Both of them possess a magnetic charisma that draws people to them.

They both love animals. Both of them have the same color eyes — and hair. Both of them are California-grown. I grew up in Canada and met both of them in completely different states.

Both of them were already married before — and had already had children before me.

So many similarities, yet the trajectory of both relationships couldn’t be more different.

My first marriage failed miserably while my second is still thriving after a decade. My first husband was extremely toxic and unhealthy for me while my current husband is a calming and supportive influence.

The most impactful similarity is that both of these men fell in love with me — and I with them. But as I’ve written about before — the kind of love displayed in both marriages is a sharp lesson in contrast.

I think It’s only natural to be attracted to the qualities you once loved in someone else in the form of a different person who possesses similar attributes — especially the best ones.

When I realized that both my ex-husband and my current husband are indeed very much alike — I didn’t like that notion at all. However, I’m beginning to accept this fact and love the reasons why this is.

It’s this crazy little thing called love.

Sometimes love crushes you into the darkness and sometimes it manages to balance out the good, the bad, and the ugly from all of your past relationships and merge them into this one unique person who turns out to be just right for you.

Sometimes we can’t separate ourselves from the past as much as we may want to. But sometimes the good bits from the past show up in new and unexpected ways.

More from Michelle: Why We Should Share Our Relationship Fails

Check out The Pondering Stepmom Podcast!

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